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Help! French Kissing Turns Me Off!

Q: My husband loves to French kiss, but I am very turned off by it. He takes good care of his teeth and I’m not worried about germs.  I just think its gross having someone else’s tongue and saliva in my mouth.  Since it is important to him, how can we make it more enjoyable for the both of us?A: Yep, all of lovemaking is messy! There are tongues, saliva, semen, sweat, vaginal secretions, not to mention unappealing noises and body contortions. It does take a sense of humor to engage in the messiness and then associate them with passionate, pleasureful lovemaking. Men can do this much easier than women.I wonder how lovemaking is going for you and your spouse. We’ve found that when a couple’s passionate kissing is not going well, neither is the sex. How do you currently manage the messiness of sex with your husband? Could you apply some of the things you’ve learned about sex to passionate kissing? If you find that all of sex is yucky, that seems to be more prohibitive than just how you feel about French kissing, and I’m guessing you could benefit from some Christian sexual intimacy ministry to help you with being less rigid or triggered. Check out our Christian sexual intimacy ministry intensives. Having said that, it’s also possible that your husband is being too aggressive with his tongue, or he may need to learn how to control his saliva? One way to do this is to experiment together, practicing the kind of kissing that is pleasurable for both of you. You can initiate the following exercise to show your husband you care about your intimacy:

  1. Both of you start by brushing your teeth and using mouthwash, and removing any abrasive stubble from his beard.
  2. Use your lips to experiment with kissing your husband’s lips. Pucker your lips and gently peck across his lips and cheeks form one side to the other, from top to bottom lip, etc. Take time to nibble on his lips, taking the upper or lower lip between your lips. Allow your husband to follow your lead and be responsive. Then reverse roles.
  3. Now take turns leading and experimenting with the use of your lips and tongue to find ways that you both enjoy, pecking, nibbling, licking, sucking, and in any other way, while interacting with each other’s lips or tongues. Keep it soft and experimental. Allow the involvement with each other’s mouths to become a mutual, simultaneous enjoyment.
  4. If it’s comfortable for both of you, take turns inserting your tongues in and out of each other’s mouths. If one of you becomes too intense, or it feels forceful to the other, gently remind the intense one that you’d like to keep it soft, safe, and experimental.

Do this exercise often until you and your husband come up with your own intimate kissing style. You may also need to break down the above steps into several sessions, as a way of desensitizing yourself from the grossness factor.The most encouraging statement you made was that you wanted to find ways to make French kissing more enjoyable because it’s important to your husband. That’s wonderful, and it’s biblical to want to serve your spouse in that way. However, don’t minimize the fact that the Lord thinks it’s important that you enjoy yourself too! And let’s not forget that the book Song of Solomon opens with: “May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!

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  1. I enjoy sex with my husband, but am equally turned off by French kissing. We’ve tried experimental kissing over the course of our marriage and it still pretty alarming to me.

  2. I guess my point is, French kissing might not be for everyone.

  3. Your statement “It’s still pretty alarming to me,” kinda has a hint of some kind of trauma attached to passionate kissing for you. The Lord wants you to have freedom and the abundant life He designed for you. Pray about that, and see if He has some healing for you

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