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Sex Everyday???

Make your marriage "Intimacy Centered" first!

Make your marriage “Intimacy Centered” first!

Q: My husband and I at times hit some dry spots in our sex lives. I found your site and found some toys and things are going in the right direction. We have five kids so, there are times when I get very dry and sometimes the foreplay is what I need, and sometimes I need to get right down to business.

Getting to the point, I have been seeing where couples have been having sex for various lengths of time, like 30 days, 60 days or more every day. I would like to try maybe even a week straight with my husband and see how that goes, but having sex every day I am concerned about dryness. I have been lacking in that department, and I really want to go back the way we used to be, pre-kids…I want to make time for us, and I have read that for some couples having sex every day brought them closer together intimately. What can I do to prepare, and not make it seem like I am trying to hard?

A: First let me say what a blessing you are to your husband! You have five kids and are seeing the priority to put your marriage and your intimacy first. Too often, couples with children make their marriage child-centered rather than marriage-centered. You are doing your children, family, the church and your community a favor by putting your intimacy as the highest priority. In other words, marital intimacy and “oneness” is the glue that sticks a couple together and helps them weather the messy times of life. And it’s the only time you and your husband are “one” emotionally, physically and spiritually.

With that said, let’s look at the attitude of your heart. If you want to “have sex” everyday because you’re trying to perform (an attempt to get your identity from your husband – which comes from your depravity (we all have that side), which, by the way was one of the curses on Eve from the Fall), or maybe you want to enhance your “oneness” as a husband and wife (coming from your dignity – which looks like you walking in the glory of the Spirit already living in you). A clue of what is going on in your heart is your last statement “What can I do to prepare and not make it seem like I’m trying to hard.” That tells me you might be in the first category and yes maybe you ARE trying too hard!!

Too often my husband and I find couples trying to fill voids in their intimacy with “having sex” too much rather than focusing on daily intimacy other than the act of intercourse, which then frees them up to focus on putting their energy into gourmet (connecting, passionate, luxuriating) lovemaking that they engage in fewer times a week. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with fast food sex (especially when you have five kids- and vibrators are great for erotic sex when you have a minimal amount of time), but marital intimacy cannot survive on fast food sex. So you might be causing more harm than good for both your hearts over the long term. The descriptions of gourmet, deli and fast food sex come from a book called “Two Become One” by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey. We highly recommend it!

A Christian husband is called to nourish and cherish his wife, giving himself up for her (Ephesians 5) – will your husband have the opportunity to serve you, delight in you and uncover the mysteries of your feminine heart with fast food sex everyday? After all you’re created to be the dessert Crème Brule not Jello!!

Our society tells women they should be like men and become aroused instantly and orgasm within 4 minutes, but the Lord didn’t create you body to respond that way. Women need the emotional, relating kind of intimacy to be able to open up and receive her husband sexually. Are you allowing your husband to provide for your feminine heart so you can flourish in all that God created you to be spiritually, emotionally and physically? These are spiritual and relational truths to think about in your marital intimacy.

You also talk about dryness in your intimacy and in your ability to lubricate. God created women to need time to fully lubricate and become ready to receive her husband through foreplay. It’s wonderful that in our day and age we have artificial lubricants, but going against God’s foreplay design for the wife who needs it creates vaginal dryness (other than a physiological change in her hormones).

The two of you might be able to read together our free download “Sexual Intimacy: Why it’s Essential for your Marriage” or other blogs and resources from our website for 5 minutes before bed with some passionate kissing, genital caressing and intimate conversation sandwiched in between. Also the website The Dating Divas have a fun printable to give you topics to talk about at night with your husband or kids. Enjoy re-igniting your intimacy. . .

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